TiM TiM...

12.46am TuE wEE mOrn 10th Jan 2012 iN e RooM...

On 8th January 2012... my beloved dog Tim Tim passed away... she suffered from fits on the night before ard 10+pm.... i was away at a fren's bbq and mama gave her a stronger dosage of medicine... it did calm her down from fidgeting vigorously and we all thought she will be alright after a while as per previous encounters... all of us went to bed that night and e next morning... mama went to check on her to realise that she is still fidgeting slightly and her condition isnt any better... it was nearly 9am then... i struggled up to bring her to vet and i was still rather calm... guess i was mentally prepared on 2 contrary theories... one being just another fit encounters she experienced and she will be fine after seeing e vet... another will be that she is in a serious condition and i may lose her...

At e vet clinic... Vet said that her condition is serious and they put her on oxygen mask + giving her a power jab to stop e fidgeting and she was immediately calm... but she was never conscious after sufferring from the fit that night... which makes me very very sad... that i couldnt see e last conscious her... Tim Tim had to stay in to have her condition monitored by e Vet... Vet said either she will discharge & go home at 4pm or she can get admitted to e pet hospital... at that time... i was still very calm and told vet that i may arrange either my bro or sis to come pick Tim Tim up... however at 2+pm... Vet called to say that Tim Tim had relapsed twice and had a total of 3 jabs but still fidgeting... Vet adviced that i should go down and see her last time then let her go... At that instance... i felt sad and started crying...

Im very glad that brother was with me to go through all these... we went down to e clinic and saw last of Tim Tim... she was lying there fidgeting slightly... unconscious and all sulken... so heartaching to see her in such state... we tried to tok to her and pat her... then Vet asked whether we wanna witness it and we said yes... Vet then brought her out of the cage and put her on the table... gave her a jab of yellowish solution into her dripping tube outlet... and almost instantly she went motionless... gone... Vet said they will do all e necessary arrangements to get Tim Tim cremated and then called us to collect her ash... i was crying on and off as bro was occasionally making jokes of the cat which was in e cage beside Tim Tim's... he had lightened up the atmosphere by alot... and im thankful he's there...

it was e saddest experience in my years of living... though i had lost a few pets during growing up and been sad over BGRs plus many more... but this is e most painful of them all... Tim Tim has been with me for 17 years and she's been part of my growing up... i then came to realise that how actually one feels when one grieves...

it's like you will never see it anymore... and e thoughts makes u sad... e memories of it makes u miss it & saddness sinks in... e photos of it makes u sad too... i cried almost e whole time on sunday despite trying to be rational by going to color my hair... to continue with my life and not letting my grief hold me back from things i had to do...

Decided not to cancel my appt with my frens e next day after work... and so i cried to sleep on sunday night... e next morning i woke up with super puffy painful eyes... didnt actually feel like going to work but still i drag myself to work as i had to visit Malaysia factory + a dinner appt at nite... thought i felt better as e day went by without much difficulty... thought i was more emotionally stable after sunday... but i was wrong as once i reached home... i felt sad... small little things remind me of Tim Tim... her sleeping corner... her green bowl... e memories of her walking non-chalantly into my room and pass me when i was sitting on e floor... she's like police patrolling the premises... and e other times when i would purposely wake her up in e middle of e nite and got her to accompany me to kitchen while i brush my teeth as i was scared... and e other time when i failed my O Level English and i was crying on e floor... she came over and used her paws to crawl my legs signalling me not to cry... and e other times where she will suddenly stand up and walk out of e room while mama, sis & i were chatting away... we reckon she found us too noisy... so many memories...

Wanting to let and go move on... but it just isnt that easy...